Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication (Leonardo da Vinci)

                "Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life"

I'm reminded of this very simple but very powerful message today.  I have just finished putting together a lemon and passionfruit sponge cake, the smell of sweet delight is now wafting through the kitchen as the kids and I prepare to head off for a short train ride to the sea side where we will meet some friends for a picnic lunch.
Some of my decision to leave my job was due to this realisation. It was in those moments of chaos when I walked in the door at 6pm tripping over lunch boxes and school bags dumped on the floor,  3  hungry kids still needing to be bathed, homework not done, wet washing going stale in the laundry basket and a husband trying to juggle all of that plus follow up on a billion missed work emails and phone calls he didn't get to during the day that I realised that somehow things had to change. It was pure overwhelm and I wondered why I looked forward to that evening glass of red (or 2)
That was all on a good day when it wasn't also expected that we would also be attending dance or music lessons or girl guides or football training.
I remember feeling the ache in the pit of my stomach, I was on the express train of life and I just wanted to get off at the closest station. I wanted to pause time, or more precisely stop it. My world was spinning out of control and it was a very helpless existence. To make matters worse, with little to no job satisfaction, I was left asking myself at the end of the day what am I doing all this for?

So finally I found the courage (it didn't just show up) I had to take massive action and decide for myself that I was going to do life my way and no more compromise.

 So today we enjoy the calm after the storm. The simple joys and pleasures of life, like taking in all that nature has to offer, being together, laughing, sharing delicious home baked food and embrace all the adventure and experiences of this extraordinary life. I am deeply grateful today for the opportunities that I have been given, time spent with my children and moments that I will never get back. I treasure every one of these precious moments.

intuative awakenings

From time to time I like to invest and even indulge in a more spiritual side to life. Not the kind of spiritual that means attending church or reading the bible (although I have no issue with this as I was raised catholic and I do believe in a God) I mean the kind of spiritual that the universe delivers! ok so beware you might need an open mind here but I personally believe that we are not all just players in this game we call life and that things are not just all based on chance. I do believe that where thoughts go energy flows, as in we are all the creators of our own destiny but that somehow there is a divine intervention that plays a role. Take this however you want but for me personally I have had some pretty unique experiences in my life, you many call coincidence, synchronicity or you may just call it intuition. I have been fortunate enough to have lots of people come in and out of my life who have been able to teach me plenty about their chosen modalities, some a bit far fetched even for my open mind and others which I have and still do indulge in sometimes when I feel I need some divine intervention or at least just some hope that I am not doing this alone.
I read my own tarot cards from time to time, I find these traditional cards magical, mysterious and enchanting. Its comforting even in the moment just to imagine that the answers to your questions might lie within your own hands, at the flip of a card. Of course I understand as a rational and sane person that you will search for the answers in the cards that you want to find as you reality is only based on what you believe and perceive, however I think I will always have a little gypsy in me.
 Last week my daughter came in to tell me that there was a dragonfly stuck to the ceiling in our lounge room. Strange creature to have found its way inside I thought. Then instantly I remembered  my animal spirit guides book, which contains the spiritual message behind each animal and what it may be revealing to you if you are presented with this animal/creature in your life. I often look upon it for meaning if I come across something unusual. Keeping in mind that one of my bucket list items for this year was to meditate more this is what it read.
" This is a time when the magic and mystery of life is reawakened for you. Its important now to recharge your psychic energy, which you can do so by regularly meditating. more than simply a change, your going through a major transformation, so enjoy the process!"
Couldn't be closer to the truth.

sticking to the game plan

As the dust starts to settle on my decision to change the course of my life's direction, I am finding it all the more challenging to remain committed to sticking to the game plan and riding through the uncertainty. The thing with me is that I am addicted to having control. In fact when things feel out of control or overwhelming that's when I tend to hit the panic button and grasp at everything I know will give me that sense of certainty back again. The strategy I rely most on to regain a sense of control in my world is to surround myself in busy. In fact I don't do sedentary very well. If I don't have a set task to do, I will search my brain for the next thing to move on to. I have always been like that, always looking forward instead of simply sitting in the now and enjoying the moment. I guess the busy behaviour is a strategy for managing anxiety. I believe that as long as I feel I have control then I will be able to manage the anxiety, the minute perceived chaos emerges so does the fear and the stress levels. I knew the decision I made to leave my job was going to create some anxiety, my challenge now is to sit in it and know that I will be ok.
I have had to turn down numerous jobs this week, phone calls from clients requesting my assistance. Which has meant the tough task of saying no. That's the other thing I haven't been strong at in the past. I confidently explained the situation in each event however I found myself getting off the phone and reconsidering my decision. I have been saying things to myself like "Maybe I could just do one more job, after all the money is good and it would help people who need help and what's one more job". The surprising part is that although my initial instinct was to relent on my decision, I realised that if I ever want to move forward I have to let go and be ok with not being everything to everyone. I will also need to realise that even the money is not a good enough reason to continue doing something that I know has not been bringing me any satisfaction or happiness for a long time. It would only be a matter of time before I would start to resent myself again for not committing to the change and find myself back at square one all over, which brings with it, its own emotional consequences. How's that for some honest personal insight.
So here I am again, ready to put one foot in front of the next. Good news I am moving forward with one of my bucket list items... to grow stuff.
This year the number one topic of interest I wish to explore more is how to grow food. I have always been fascinated with people who are able to live sustainable lives. I have read numerous examples of people who are living modern life but exploring traditional ways of living and I am in awe of these people. I am not sure where this fascination comes from, for several years I lived in a very rural location on a 15 thousand acre cattle station which for all intents and purposes was self sufficient however at the time it couldn't have been further from my radar of interest. In fact it was me who wanted to pack up and move to a coastal location in suburbia. Now it seems I have done a full circle and am discovering ways to grow vegetables, raise chickens and make my own bread in the city.
Talk about ironic! Its always been a running joke in the family that I could kill anything, in fact I have even managed to kill unkillable plants in the past, like succulents which require less than no care at all. My husband has reluctantly let me indulge in my new found hobby agreeing to help me build a green house and start raising some plants. So far things are going well. Its surprising how well things grow when you provide them with water!! So as I emerge myself in all things green, I hope to document my blog with all my successes and failures with the hope that I might have found a new passion and something that I can throw my nervous energy into and who knows I might even learn a few things along the way.

Friendship

Yesterday I was blessed to have been able to spend a full day with my best friend in the whole world. She was there to see my children born, the one who I have shared my most inner thoughts and deepest secrets. We have laughed together till our stomachs hurts and cried a river of tears. She has supported me through some of the toughest times of my life and been there for some of the best. She has been there to listen to my crazy ideas and put up with me changing my mind a million times and she has taught me so much about loyalty, kindness and never giving up on your dreams. We were so fortunate to be able to spend years together living side by side on neighbouring farming stations (it was a mere 20km drive for our weekly coffee catch up) but it was worth it. She has been an angel in my life, my souls connection to another human being.
It didn't start off this way however, in fact you could say she was public enemy number 1 when I was in high school at the age of 17, she had been fooling around with my boyfriend and I wanted her head on a plate. However as fate would have it many years later we were reacquainted by accident by a mutual friend who didn't know the history. We both turned up to the meeting blissfully unaware of who or what we were about to be faced with! You can imagine the surprise when we locked eyes on each other and had to do the polite hellos and " oh I remember you". Needless to say it was a very quiet lunch date.
Fortunately being older and wiser we both got over our differences pretty quickly and realised a potential friend in each other. From there things blossomed and we soon found that not only did we have lots in common but we had a deep connection that only people who have ever experienced true friendship could appreciate. Its the type of bond that no matter how far we have roamed over the years and no matter how much time goes between phone calls and visits, nothing changes. Well nothing of any significance at least (she is the first one I call for the big things!!) and the love we have for one another never diminishes, there is a quiet and simple understanding that we have each others back no matter what and that we can share anything in the most authentic and genuine way. I can simply be myself and she can simply be her amazing self and our love is unconditional.
So I guess this blog post is simply a reflection of how sweet life is when we can celebrate friendship. 2016 saw me retreat into my own dark world, caught up inside my own head and my own problems, I found it easier to become a social recluse rather than try and fake another awkward smile or another "I  am doing fine" (when really I wasn't) I didn't even reach out to my bestie or anyone for that matter because I don't think I even knew how to language what I was going through, I couldn't put my finger on the point of disconnection. I had lost all motivation for life and didn't see the point of trying to join in on the game as I really didn't want to play.
So my day spent with my girl was just another confirmation to me about how things are starting to turn around, I remembered what it was like to feel alive again as the conversation flowed (or more like gushed) out of me, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I never wanted it to end. It was like the excitement and butterflies of winning lotto. What a blessing!!! What an experience I will treasure always and as you can see from the pic, I was brave enough to strut around in my bathers all day, enjoying the water, the sun and sand and even taking the kayak out for a paddle, adventurous for my standards. So my gratitude goes out to friendship today and everyday, I am thankful for friends they are the family you can choose and my life will always be richer for having had a friend like Anna.

One of the biggest challenges I know I am going to face this year is my anxiety over money or the lack of.
I think of all the issues that I struggle with, money would be near the top of my list. They say its the root of all evil and the number one cause of all arguments between husband and wife, I would say that its always been a touchy subject in my marriage that's for sure and even more so now that we are going to rely solely on my husbands income. Don't get me wrong my husband has been completely supportive of my plans to leave my job but I know it is causing him a lot of worry too.
I don't know where my fears around money come from, I do remember my parents arguing over it when I was young and I definitely remember my dad being very anxious about finances so possibly some conditioning at play.
I think at the heart of my fear is the need for security and the safety that money brings. I don't want for much, in fact I could honestly say I am pretty low maintenance in that department. I have never seen the need for fancy cars, expensive handbags and bling. In fact I was having this discussion with my sister in law on the weekend after she announced her engagement. My engagement ring was $395 cubic zirconia and my wedding dress was a $400 debutant dress that was tweaked a little to make it more bridal like. I didn't care for expensive things and I still don't, however it still frustrates me to no end that no matter how much I cut back and how careful I am, money and the security it brings always feels elusive to me, and when it does feel like we finally have our heads above water something happens (bills happen) to bring us right back under again.
Its a love hate relationship and it causes me a lot of stress and sleepless nights.
So I have done the maths (as much as I hate the idea of a strict budget) and we cannot survive on one wage for very long. I guess I don't mean literally, I think we will have enough to put some food on the table (in whatever form that may be) and pay our mortgage but there wont be any left over for things that are non essential. Although I know it would be an easy knee jerk reaction to head straight for the employment pages, I feel like this time I need to sit with this realisation and this new reality for a while. Experience what its like to really do things tough. Get to appreciate the more simple things in life because after all when there's no money for dinners out or movies or holidays or shopping sprees what are you left with? Imagination!! I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to embrace the problem solver in me and come up with new creative ways to experience being poor with a positive spin. Who knows I may even learn some new skills out of it, become more resourceful. I know if I can get comfortable with being uncomfortable about this that it will mean fantastic personal growth as this topic has been at the centre of many of my emotional meltdowns over the past 12 months, never having enough, well when is enough ever enough?
Can money buy happiness? I don't know but does a lack of money equate to unhappiness? These are the questions I will be left to ponder throughout this journey. Lucky for me I love to cook and I am cutting back on my alcohol intake so savings there already!!! and as for my coffee addiction, I own a coffee machine that I cant use so first thing is to learn a thing or two from my barrister husband and then load up my thermos to replace the takeaway habit so there's no reason to go into withdrawals just yet! As long as I have had my caffeine hit I can take on the world.

So here we are, a brand new year is upon us! Onwards and upwards. I am still attempting to apply my very basic knowledge of blogging to my page so things are still a little immature, however I have a gorgeous friend who has agreed to help me with some of the layout and applications so hopefully there will be a more sophisticated page to come soon.
My plan this year is to experience my life through 5 simple filters. Love, growth, learning, giving and creativity.
Love is at the centre of everything that is important to me. Love for family, love for my closest friends, love for my world (physical and spiritual) love for my fellow man/woman and last but not least love for myself.
Loving myself has not always been very easy and if I am honest its a relationship I think I will always have to work on. I definitely feel that as I get older there is a certain wisdom and confidence that comes with age, a stronger sense of self and a certain inner peace that you find within your own skin.
There are lots of tools I have used along the way to help me turn the tables on my inner critic, many which I will share in the love link, but one of the ways I have learned to be grateful for the amazing life that I have and love myself, cellulite and all is the realisation that this life is no dress rehearsal. In fact I become very emotional even at the thought of how precious and fragile life can be.
Recently while scrolling through my facebook news feed, I stumbled upon a post tagged by an old school friend. It was the obituary for a fellow high school friend who had passed away at the age of 34 of breast cancer. She leaves behind a husband and two small children. I didn't know this person well but it really affected me.
This was one of the catalysts that helped me make some decisions and choices around what course my life was on and what I wanted the future to look like. If my time on earth is limited and it is, (we are all dying), I don't want to look back on it and feel regret. I fairly certain my friend would have given anything for one more day, one more hug from her daughters, one more "I love you" shared with her husband. I know that no part of her would have wished she had smaller thighs or bigger boobs or cared what others thought of her or wished she had more stuff.
Its a powerful metaphor but I often use it to reflect on what dying would mean to me.
Make everyday count, I know it sounds cliché but it really is that simple. Do what makes you happy everyday because you never know what tomorrow may bring. Laugh at yourself, let the tears flow when they need to, tell the people you love how much they mean to you everyday, never be ashamed to be yourself, what does it matter anyway, you can never fail only grow.
This year is about falling in love again & rediscovering what it is I love about my world. It starts and ends with love, it starts with me.

So here it is my bucket list for 2017! It needs some work as the ideas I have been having are stored only in my mind and I am sure theres a few more tucked away in there which will come to the surface in the coming weeks however I will start here

• Start saying "Yes" more often, to things I would normally say "no" to. Invite more adventure into my life (feel the fear and do it anyway)
• Start saying "No" more to the things that I really don't want to do but I do to please others. Simply put stop the people pleasing behaviours and being a door mat.
• Get in the water more and practice being comfortable in my bathing suit. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
• Consistently get up earlier (5.30am everyday) to walk my dog and spend some time with my husband
• Drink less alcohol, I know its not good for me. Practice moderation and self control.
• Be grateful for one thing everyday and make that my mantra for the day.
• Start meditating again. I know how good I feel when I allow myself 10 minutes a day to meditate.
• Grow stuff. I have always wanted to know what it would be like to be able to grow food and be semi sustainable. This year despite all my critics I am going to have a go at it, even on a small scale (and I am going to give it the love and attention it deserves)
• Increase my volunteer work. Look at other options of how I can give to others.
• Practice using more positive language and affirming to myself that I am worthy and wonderful
• Spend more time with my kids (quality time) and forget about the washing, cleaning and general house duties that can wait .
• Reconnect with friends that I have neglected over the past 2 years.
• Learn how to be more thrifty and resourceful. Up till now money could buy anything, now I have no money coming in, I will need to tighten the purse strings and use my imagination and problem solving skills
• Stop worrying about everything! Much less stress and anxiety this year. Practice the art of being calm and strengthening my emotional disposition.

So there it is, just a start. Ambitious? You bet. But anything is possible. I will be sharing the steps along the way about how I am flexing my muscle and putting these things into practice. I am excited, cant wait for story to begin!!!