As the dust starts to settle on my decision to change the course of my life's direction, I am finding it all the more challenging to remain committed to sticking to the game plan and riding through the uncertainty. The thing with me is that I am addicted to having control. In fact when things feel out of control or overwhelming that's when I tend to hit the panic button and grasp at everything I know will give me that sense of certainty back again. The strategy I rely most on to regain a sense of control in my world is to surround myself in busy. In fact I don't do sedentary very well. If I don't have a set task to do, I will search my brain for the next thing to move on to. I have always been like that, always looking forward instead of simply sitting in the now and enjoying the moment. I guess the busy behaviour is a strategy for managing anxiety. I believe that as long as I feel I have control then I will be able to manage the anxiety, the minute perceived chaos emerges so does the fear and the stress levels. I knew the decision I made to leave my job was going to create some anxiety, my challenge now is to sit in it and know that I will be ok.
I have had to turn down numerous jobs this week, phone calls from clients requesting my assistance. Which has meant the tough task of saying no. That's the other thing I haven't been strong at in the past. I confidently explained the situation in each event however I found myself getting off the phone and reconsidering my decision. I have been saying things to myself like "Maybe I could just do one more job, after all the money is good and it would help people who need help and what's one more job". The surprising part is that although my initial instinct was to relent on my decision, I realised that if I ever want to move forward I have to let go and be ok with not being everything to everyone. I will also need to realise that even the money is not a good enough reason to continue doing something that I know has not been bringing me any satisfaction or happiness for a long time. It would only be a matter of time before I would start to resent myself again for not committing to the change and find myself back at square one all over, which brings with it, its own emotional consequences. How's that for some honest personal insight.
So here I am again, ready to put one foot in front of the next. Good news I am moving forward with one of my bucket list items... to grow stuff.
This year the number one topic of interest I wish to explore more is how to grow food. I have always been fascinated with people who are able to live sustainable lives. I have read numerous examples of people who are living modern life but exploring traditional ways of living and I am in awe of these people. I am not sure where this fascination comes from, for several years I lived in a very rural location on a 15 thousand acre cattle station which for all intents and purposes was self sufficient however at the time it couldn't have been further from my radar of interest. In fact it was me who wanted to pack up and move to a coastal location in suburbia. Now it seems I have done a full circle and am discovering ways to grow vegetables, raise chickens and make my own bread in the city.
Talk about ironic! Its always been a running joke in the family that I could kill anything, in fact I have even managed to kill unkillable plants in the past, like succulents which require less than no care at all. My husband has reluctantly let me indulge in my new found hobby agreeing to help me build a green house and start raising some plants. So far things are going well. Its surprising how well things grow when you provide them with water!! So as I emerge myself in all things green, I hope to document my blog with all my successes and failures with the hope that I might have found a new passion and something that I can throw my nervous energy into and who knows I might even learn a few things along the way.
I have had to turn down numerous jobs this week, phone calls from clients requesting my assistance. Which has meant the tough task of saying no. That's the other thing I haven't been strong at in the past. I confidently explained the situation in each event however I found myself getting off the phone and reconsidering my decision. I have been saying things to myself like "Maybe I could just do one more job, after all the money is good and it would help people who need help and what's one more job". The surprising part is that although my initial instinct was to relent on my decision, I realised that if I ever want to move forward I have to let go and be ok with not being everything to everyone. I will also need to realise that even the money is not a good enough reason to continue doing something that I know has not been bringing me any satisfaction or happiness for a long time. It would only be a matter of time before I would start to resent myself again for not committing to the change and find myself back at square one all over, which brings with it, its own emotional consequences. How's that for some honest personal insight.
So here I am again, ready to put one foot in front of the next. Good news I am moving forward with one of my bucket list items... to grow stuff.
This year the number one topic of interest I wish to explore more is how to grow food. I have always been fascinated with people who are able to live sustainable lives. I have read numerous examples of people who are living modern life but exploring traditional ways of living and I am in awe of these people. I am not sure where this fascination comes from, for several years I lived in a very rural location on a 15 thousand acre cattle station which for all intents and purposes was self sufficient however at the time it couldn't have been further from my radar of interest. In fact it was me who wanted to pack up and move to a coastal location in suburbia. Now it seems I have done a full circle and am discovering ways to grow vegetables, raise chickens and make my own bread in the city.
Talk about ironic! Its always been a running joke in the family that I could kill anything, in fact I have even managed to kill unkillable plants in the past, like succulents which require less than no care at all. My husband has reluctantly let me indulge in my new found hobby agreeing to help me build a green house and start raising some plants. So far things are going well. Its surprising how well things grow when you provide them with water!! So as I emerge myself in all things green, I hope to document my blog with all my successes and failures with the hope that I might have found a new passion and something that I can throw my nervous energy into and who knows I might even learn a few things along the way.
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